the party's crashing us now

so that's what the volume knob is for

2006-05-26T01:37:46Z

The Squid and the Whale
Wellman Hall
Saturday, 6:30 pm
A totally awesome movie about a messed up family. Kind of like something Wes Anderson would have made, except darker and more original. One might even say it is the fillet of films.

graham k. says there is a cool show at delta venus so we should hit that up later.

screamthesis @ 2005-09-01T11:41:00

2005-09-01T15:55:09Z

+in buffalo with scott, the most beautiful boy i have ever met.
-his roommates are pussy ass bitches and we hate them.
+but we hung out with his adorable emo friends and played team scrabble, which we won because we are young and in love.
+toronto campus is beautiful, perfect. i move in on monday.
+thank you to jacob and alexa for their excellent mix cds that made my plane ride bearable.
-i still don't know my room number or roommate's name.
-portuguese family drama! spending hours at fish markets! this is ridiculous.
+taking my mom out to lunch because i am grown up like that.
+SHOPPING! H& MOTHERFUCKING M!!!!
-i miss everyone in davis so much. i can't believe i am apart from you guys. come and visit! herrie son i miss you, you sassy lady.
+bright eyes with FEIST in november in buffalo.
+scott and i heading to toronto on friday to soak up the city. i can't believe this is my life. it is daunting and terrible and wonderful and scary and passionate and anything can happen, the world is waiting, this is the modern age, feet on the ground & eyes straight ahead, hold your own hand, there is nothing more than this.

you can't hold it in your hand

2005-08-19T16:29:34Z

Herrie and Wyndham's Going Away Picnic and Potluck
Sunday, August 21st
6:30 pm
Rainbow City Park (near DHS)

1) This is the last time you will see Herrie (before Christmas) and me (forever!).

2) We really want everyone there. If you are reading this, we want you! Do not think that just because we haven't hung out in a while means I don't want to see you. I do, very much so! Please come.

3) This is a POTLUCK. That means that EVERYONE brings some FOOD. Herrie and I will take care of blankets, forks, plates and cups and a small amount of food, but we really need everyone to bring something (drinks, dessert, main dishes, salads, bread, cheese, etc.). PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THIS. It is our last time in Davis and we don't want to be stuck yet again with a $75 bill because people neglected to bring stuff. If you have a problem with this, or feel you cannot bring something due to money problems, just give me a call 757-6232 and we can work out a very discreet solution.

4) We will eat, drink, be merry, etc. and hopefully listen to some sweet tunes and do something after. Again, my family is moving from Davis so I may not EVER COME BACK so this means you better see me Sunday or else! Thanks!

you can make a plan

2005-08-18T20:09:19Z

HEY WOULD YOU GUYS BE FREE THIS SUNDAY (AUGUST 21st)? MARK YOUR CALENDERS, BECAUSE IF IT WORKS OUT WITH US THAT WILL BE THE LAST TIME TO SEE HERRIE SON AND WYNDHAM B-M BEFORE THEY DEPART FOR THE EAST!

MORE DETAILS COMING TOMORROW, PROBABLY VIA LIVEJOURNAL. YOU ALL BETTER BE THERE! IF YOU ARE READING THIS I WANT YOU!

bring your own candy

2005-06-30T16:49:26Z

SUNDAY, JULY 3rd
WELLMAN HALL
7:30 p.m.

This is the new Pedro Almodovar movie (Talk to Her, etc.). Basically, Gael Garcia Bernal is a transvestite and it's about a murder. I don't know anything else, except that you are guaranteed gay sex, violence, and cross-dressing! Don't be late!

sort of in response to a post by ben johnson

2005-06-29T17:59:49Z

in a culture where emotion is suppressed and true passion seems only to exist on blind date, it's amazing that music is so successful. because really, it's all about feeling. sure, there are anti-war songs and protest songs and silly songs about farting, but the majority of music released is about EMO(tions). backstreet boys got more feeling than the whole NFL. Linkin Park wants you to sympathize with their pain, keyboard style. even Ludacris has bad days sometimes, and he wants nothing more than to sing about it and maybe get a pat on his shoulder from his mama.

music is important to everyone, and everyone listens to it, so why does it become such a means of definition? somehow, someway in high school i got caught up in it, because i could say with a big helping of certainty that i knew more about the history of popular music than many other girls who walked the halls of davis high. i hoarded my replacements and buzzcocks records like a trophy, and when some twat in history class would admit to not knowing who nico was, i stifled a self-satisfied giggle.

but there's only so much time. and while i memorized obscure facts about black flag and tried hard to like sleater-kinney (i never could and still can't), i too would trip up. i made my friends mix cds of sonic youth songs, leading them too promptly guffaw when they played an animals record and i asked who we were listening to. i named-dropped the jesus lizard at shows when talking to boys. i tried really hard to like hardcore. still, sometimes i'd be in someone's car and a song would come on, and i'd ask who it was. some snot in the front seat would say "elvis" or something equally as well-known, i'd feel like i was back in third grade with my fly open.

there's that part in "high fidelity" (which isn't a great book, but i've read many times anyways) when rob and barry want to make that survey that you give to dating partners to make sure that they have compatible tastes. but if i learned anything from high school, it's that being friends with people who like the same things as you doesn't mean a goddamn thing. initially, we may bond over "train in vain," but in the end what you are like is the only factor worth consideration.

so come all you dead kennedys fans. if you love rush, i'll give it a listen. want to be the next pete townshend? you have my support. i'm starting over. who cares if you boast about having eight k.d. lang records? who cares if you don't know who my bloody valentine is, or if you think neil young's best album is "harvest moon," or if you think that the mighty mighty bosstones were the highlight of the nineties? not me, not anymore.
i can tell that we are going to be friends.

that'll be the day

2005-05-23T03:11:53Z

(this is a picture of scott taken over a year ago that i love so i'm throwing it in anyway)

there's plenty more pictures, but they're locked up on various cameras. prom was weird. we ate some bad food, listened to some bad music, danced around a little. herrie said "this feels like an assembly with dinner" and that was pretty accurate.

after prom we watched "prom night" and some of american bandstand. we also drank huge sodas and ate some fries. driving to safeway i laughed while singing in the car with herrie and scott and buying 30 capri suns.

back at the motel camillo taught herrie and i how to mash potato. alexa told some funny jokes and graham made some comment about cunts. jon yeh was nowhere to be found but will showed up which was rad. matt took a long shower. i realized that i really like my friends.

scott and i stole away and danced to leonard cohen songs. it was a good night. in the morning graham and herrie and matt and alexa and camillo banged on our door at eight o'clock. i looked like robert smith but they made us get up and go eat breakfast. we ate some greasy food and then parted. it was a gray day so scott and i went and looked out at the clouds. i went home then and tried to sleep.

bizarre celebrations

2005-05-18T23:06:51Z

"Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis Presley: This is not in any way my favorite Elvis thing, but i love how low the instruments are mixed. The beginning of the chorus is the best when he lowers his voice and does the "you got me so lonely baby" part. It's so weird and ridiculous and sexy.

"Chelsea Hotel #2" by Leonard Cohen: Probably my favorite of his songs, although definitely not the best. I think this songs is about Janis Joplin but I'm not completely sure (it could be about Nico). "We are ugly but we have the music" is such a great phrase because in their case, it was actually true.

"Wraith Pinned to The Mist (And Other Games)" by Of Montreal: Goddamn this song is catchy. My favorite Of Montreal song since "Tim I WIsh You Were Born a Girl." I love the beeps, and when he says "maybe i'll never die/ i'll just keep growing younger with you" it makes me think of an eighty-year old man married to someone 40 years younger and just wanting to spend more of his life with her. It's so sweet.

"Girl" by Beck: This song is like orange juice. This song is like swimming in the ocean. This song is like pizza day in elementary school. The album is pretty boring but this song is awesome.

"I Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash: This is a cliche, but it's my grandma's and my favorite Johnny Cash song. It makes me sad to listen to it because I think of my grandma, who met my grandpa at fifteen and married him two years later but never really loved him. And it's just sad that she loved this song but never really had romance in her life.

"Le it Be" by the Beatles: Most music snobs ignore this song because it isn't as "progressive" as anything off of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Fuck that. This is the best Beatles song ever, partially due to Phil Spector's unbelievable production that literally creates this unpenetrable sound. It sweeps you off your feet. The organ is so surrounding, you can't escape it. But the best part is the first guitar solo, that just takes you by a storm. That's what love sounds like.

"Let it Die" by Feist: She's known for doing a lot of covers, from Ron Sexsmith to the Kings of Convenience, but this is an original. This song is so lush, and her vocals are a little off center but it sounds really nice. But nice with a tornado brewing under the surface, like she is in so much pain that all she can do is whisper.

"On the Bus Mall" by the Decemberists: This song is about two gay prostitutes who are sort of in love. It's really touching how Colin Meloy varies from the narrator's mood of cool indifference to really sentimental details. The lyric about "hands tightly holding" sort of makes me tear.

"Kiss Off" by the Violent Femmes: For a long time I thought that if anyone ever asked me what my theme song was, I'd say this. It's so whinny, just like me. Plus the live version has some really good guitar. He sort of shudders when he says "headaaaaachesss." I don't really like to dance but if I'm listening to this song in bed I thrash my head around until I can't see straight.

bright lights

2005-05-16T01:22:15Z

Next year I will attend the University of Toronto in Toronto, Ontario.

Next year Scott will attend Canisius College in Buffalo, New York.

Distance from Buffalo to Toronto: 1 hour and 50 minutes.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

you had on blue jeans, your eyes couldn't hide anything

2005-05-11T23:02:02Z

it's spring and i wish you had never changed. i miss you the way you used to be, come back. you know exactly what i mean.

brief update:

-wind, bad haircut and my general bewildered look = arriving at work looking like "garthina" from wayne's world 2.
-prom this weekend. whoa.
-loved the government test.
-mayaan thinks everyone should be happy and frolic around europe. i'm going to start taking her advice.
- big paper on t.s. eliot (driving me insane)
-i've got some pretty crazy friends and i had a nice time at lunch today watching herrie and camillo and grace dance the twist.
-not getting enough sleep
-fell in love with the idea of becoming a fashion journalist. remembered i hate fashion. still fantasizing about it anyways.
-hope everyone is doing well.
-feeling pretty lonely, someone help me snap out of it.

$7.50 and free albums

2005-04-07T22:35:47Z

I am the new music critic for the Davis Enterprise. I cannot believe this!

6 reviews by next thursday. But i get FREE rad stuff. So far i've got the new Beck, Nine Inch Nails, 50 Cent, Queens of the Stone Age and Daft Punk releases, and there are many more envelopes to go.

So I need help finding a title for my column. The last dude's was "Heavy Rotation." I have to think of something better. Suggestions?

screamthesis @ 2005-04-04T19:55:00

2005-04-05T03:31:31Z

Last weekend Scott and I roadtrip-ed it up to Arcata, to immerse ourselves in the presence of Kyle as a college man and bask in the rainy Humboldt cloud of smoke.

scott served as diligent driver, fact giver, trivia corrector, car singer, sweet talker and so much more on this fine excursion.

the ridiculous expression on my face is due to the fact that there was no place to pee in central healdsburg. what the fuck.

upon our request, kyle launched into an impromptu rendition of "i don't believe in the sun." astronomy will have to be revised.

scott's love of the cig bound him to kyle's classy dorm decorations.

kyle IS BECK while scott, unfazed by stardom, bites into an awful sandwich.

we drove though a tree. we toasted irony because we really do love trees.

kyle got his hair straightened by john keats' great-great-granddaughter. his roommate smokes a lot of pot.

we are so silly.

the ocean is pretty cool (i can't take good photographs).

it was a weekend filled with ice buckets, smoking gazebos, sand drawings (by kyle), bad bowling (by me), sour patch children and clearly canadian, troy, bongwater, scott's fury at the previously mentioned troy, ray charles, dorm dining, ass grabbing, loafers, driving in the rain, sleeping in with you, snakes on the tv, i want you (she's so heavy), shameful rock and roll backrounds, virginia slims!, vertical bagels, ART CRIMES, hazy ginsberg readings, eyebrow plucking, kissing, the magnetic fields and log houses, jesus jesus jesus jesus, bigfoot, pulp songs about being weird, everyone laughing over nothing, kyle bitching at his roommate for mispronouncing carlo rossi, going to the boy's bathroom, snowman pants and a certain song about the true feeling of a chesterfield.

on a separate note i got into carleton university in ottawa. they offered me a $10,000 scholarship plus some other stuff, so i'm thinking about going. mostly i just feel relieved.

oh, and for the final time, i quit smoking. forever. i can do anything.

screamthesis @ 2010-01-20T20:23:00

2004-01-21T04:20:35Z

all the good stuff is friends only kids.

comment to be added.

the beginning: the kiss

2004-01-19T02:04:36Z

i've started listening to the beatles again, after a almost three year hiatus (but only something and julia). i've started listening to the rolling stones again (but only some girls, side A). i've started reading poetry again (but mostly only david lerner, who is so full of perfect rage and understands why none of our kind can live in the country and jeffrey mcdaniel, the tortured child all grown up who knows that those scars, well, they can span more then a century). i'm returning to my roots, so to speak, to the time when i bought a copy of naked lunch on a rainy day in paris or read ginsberg on a train (to be perfectly fair, i think i read ginsberg while listening to a train, but the theme is universal, right?). these days, i'm hanging around-i'm out of my heart but not quite out of my town.

anyways, the point of it all is that i've got my drugs i've got my woman and the sun showed itself today so at least for now i'm able to be a slightly cheeky and laugh at myself a little. yeah yeah yeah, it's going to be alright.

screamthesis @ 2004-01-15T16:22:00

2004-01-16T00:32:53Z

question: is it possible to create a lasting physical relationship with someone whom you are not attracted to? maybe i'm so wary with these things because i'm used to searching the room for the prettiest lad it has to offer and then constructing a charming personality to match. it's true that i'm often disapointed, but it does give me someone to look good standing beside. even if that's all he does, just stands.
and now i'm doing the personality thing, and it feels shaky and weird. yes, i'm aware of just how shallow i'm coming off as right now, but we all can agree that our youth gives us the right, if not the order, to simply be physical with someone because you like the turn of their mouth or the cut of their pants or what have you. it has nothing to do with the general view of looks, as i've wanted many a fellow that others have found unattractive. still it's odd, even somewhat uncomfortable, to imagine performing such acts with someone who you adore but for some reason just can't desire in the bedroom.

but i'm being ridiculous. every boy i meet is beautiful, and i love them all, even if they fail to notice a certain handshake or my own ordinary face.

screamthesis @ 2004-01-14T16:54:00

2004-01-15T00:51:18Z

oh god. can you believe it? i've lasted three precious days. even jon beat me at this game. oh well, it's final, i love you and i can't stay away.

so what's everyone doing this weekend? because i'd like to see each one of you. so if you are in a similar state of mind pen me a letter or just reply to this with the time and place and goodness, we shall be all set for general merriment, etc.

and we won't worry about how you don't know what you should do with your hands when you talk to me. and how i don't know where i should look, so i look at your hands. but nothing matters now. so if you need someone to hide behind, well i don't mind.

this is the story of our red right ankles

2004-01-10T07:03:37Z

and how it whispered 'oh, adhere to me
for we are bound my symmetry
and whatever differences our lives have been
we together make a limb'

one of these mornings i'll wake up to someone who loves me just like that. and until then...well baby, i'm just biding my time.

traffic lights turning yellow

2004-01-07T03:30:31Z

right now you need a slap, straight down the face, touching home on the bridge of the nose. you are so painfully transparent my darling. don't you understand that you need separation in order to create something new? or that nothing is ever going to be the way that was, and you won't ever want anyone that much again? you are older and wiser, but this time around i'll dispense the advice. please, just learn how to hate me so we'll be prepared when we fall in love.

i couldn't get out of bed this morning. after one tangle with the sheets i surrendered. these are days, this is the grey morning and coffee growing stale in a spoon and the bleakness of six-thirty a.m. when the world is cold and i am careful.

a kiss and a slap on the roof. yes, this is it.

watermarks.

2004-01-06T03:45:54Z

you don't realize how possible, even how probable it is for me to dissapoint you.

shameless

2003-12-31T09:47:11Z

(will my eyes be closed or open?)

and the quest to find another person lonely enough to make contact with my lips at midnight tommorrow continues!

screamthesis @ 2003-12-30T10:11:00

2003-12-30T18:18:04Z

how i'm spending my winter vacation:

making lists, listening to records, buying cds (because technology has caught me...and i won't be able to take my record player to college anyways, so i might as well prepare now), worrying, drinking lots of chai tea (because it's supposed to cure at least something inside of you), sleeping and eating too much, listening to the good life until my head hurts and all i can think about is tim kasher's ex-wife, going out but feeling awkward, feeling tired, plugging in my headphones and spending whole afternoons with the smiths and letting off the happiness because isn't that what winter is all about right, insulting people i don't know that well in an attempt to get a reaction from anyone, missing strangers, laying around in bed, shopping for glasses that make me look like elvis costello, cutting my hair, talking to friends from the past i guess, feeling twelve again because i can't ignore that constant reminder of being excluded somehow, changing what you like about me (which isn't much to begin with), destroying my ego and building it up again, being alone and suffering through each selfish tragic emotion that comes along with that fact.

i still can't tell where the poison is comming from, but don't worry-at this rate, i'll find it soon enough.

screamthesis @ 2003-12-23T16:53:00

2003-12-24T18:37:05Z

MY TOP ALBUMS OF 2003

1)the decemberists-her majesty the decemberists

If a blonde on blonde era bob dylan had a musical orgy with neil young, those kids from mayday, and neutral milk hotel's own jeff magnum, he might give birth to this sort album. analogies aside, it's difficult to describe a band that writes love songs to ankles and sings about seeing women's underwear in los angeles without sighting their brilliance. the decemberists have taken over the media-shy indie band crown from the-once-great-now-only-okay belle & sebastian and have managed to make a record of introspective originality that's quite simply better than anything else i've heard all year. "as i take my final bow," sings vocalist collin melloy, "was there ever any doubt?" of course not.

2)arab strap-monday at the hug & pint

adrian moffat always had the ability to mumble out lyrics about love and loneliness with just enough crude words thrown in to keep his masculinity intact. he's up to his old tricks again, but monday... is simultaneously deeper and more uplifting than arab strap's previous records. the album begins with 'the shy retirer,' a mildly upbeat number where moffat coins the term "cunted circus." and it just gets better. 'serenade' is a nice little number that displays scottish chivalry, and the 'act of war' has the violins and cellos moaning right along with moffat, first in anticipation and then in agony. but when moffat spits out the words "sex without love is good ride worth trying, but love without sex is second only to dying" you know he's growing up but not really changing. and that's just the way we like him.

3)the postal service-give up

the most well known indie album of the year. give up let ben gibbard make a truly simple yet perfect offering, something he was never able to do with death cab for cutie. gibbard is neither a great lyricist or vocalist, but jimmy tamborello fuses his honest songwriting with a nice little techno dance sound, making everything alright. i'll pull a carla roe here and say that people who don't like the postal service are douche bags, even though carla probably dosen't like them either. the point is, gibbard manages to give the human league's 'don't you want me baby' a whole new spin with 'nothing better.' so stop thinking about how it won't change musical history and just enjoy the record for a little while.

4)yo la tengo-summer sun

some music critic once deemed yo la tengo's epic 1993 album, painful, "the best album to listen to while folding your girlfriend's laudry." to carry on the tradition, i hail summer sun as both "the best album to listen to while driving home from a loud show" and "the best album to listen to during finals week." some bands will forever be overlooked despite their brilliance, and yo la tengo is one of them. but it's better that way, really, because it just such a joy to sit back and listen to georgia hubely and ira kaplan sing love songs to eachother without a care in the world. "i want to be the one to make you feel okay right now," sings ira on 'season of the shark,' letting georgia know that no matter what happens, they'll always have eachother-two indie vetrans, growing old together.

5)outkast-speakerboxxx/the love below

andre 3000's freaky fabulousness (he's part drag queen, part fashionista, part poet, part lover, part straight-off-the streets-of-nyc ghetto bling) had me from the start. and if he ever gets too far ahead of himself, there's always thuggish but loveable big boi (who is no longer that big) to back him up. i remeber hearing 'ms. jackson' when i was thirteen years old, and my life was never quite the same. i was afraid that my bros would dissapoint me this time around, but from the minute i heard speakerboxxx/the love below i knew everything was alright. so go ahead, lend the boys some sugar. afterall, you are their neighbor.

6)cat power-you are free

talented, beautiful, serene but still broken somehow, chan marshall is the woman i will forever envy but never quite become. there's nothing really that catchy about the album, no songs with a tremendous amount of velocity to them, but it dosen't really matter. she just wants to be a good woman, even though she knows that she's a fool. chan has enough melancholy to fill up your room, and that's the most important thing-that all cat power songs touch you directly in the moment, even if you forget them the morning after.

7)hot hot heat-make up the breakdown

oh to be 21, to be drinking in bars and buying tight shirts, to never really have had a job, to be looking in the mirror and giving yourself a kiss because oh, goddammit but you look so good and every hipster in canada (and many in the us) would gladly jump into bed with you. the boys of hot hot heat were just a couple of lonely kids from the city by the sea (my darling hometown of victoria, b.c.) before 'bandages' came along, the trendiest good song of the year. it's has worse lyrics than all the emo songs they claimed influenced them, but it's more well, rocking(it's always painful to use that expression) than any song jets to brazil ever wrote. and the fun continues with 'talk to me, dance with me' and my personal favorite 'lost and naked in the city again.' so let's hear it for the young and pretty and dumb, because they can still make damn catchy music.

8)the weakerthands-reconstruction site

the weakerthans were always too smart for the genre they were thrown into, were always too talented for the critics that reviewed them. they are also the second canadian band on this list, which shows that the great white north can produce something besides lumber every now and then. to make a long story short, i'll just say: lyrically best album of the year. so go out and buy it because it's good and sad and loud and slow and just what you want, really.

9)cursive-the ugly organ

so it's now domestica. of course not. to follow up a masterpiece, especially when you don't have a wife to hate anymore and you've added a cellist to your band, can't be easy for our lovely tim. but like the ep before it (burst and bloom), the ugly organ is less of an album and more of selected excellent moments. there's tons of throw away songs here, but there are some truly exceptional ones aswell. tim kasher wises up on 'art is hard' and even though he's making fun of you for being a fan ("when you get on stage and they scream your name...oh cursive is so cool!") you don't really care. 'sierra' has tim expressing regret for something other than, well, himself, and 'driftwood: a fairy tale' is a brave twist on the tale on pinocchio. but the standout moment comes during the second half of 'a gentlemen caller' with cellist gretta cohn sweeping out sad sad notes while tim claims that "the worst is over." maybe, maybe not-but we are still anxious to see what cursive will make next time around.

10)the libertines-up the bracket

the strokes. well hahaha. the libertines are faster, drunker, more british, more fun, and just better. i like my rockstars to be destructive, exciting, good looking, artistic, fashionable, and inconsiderate-and the libertines surpass their american counterparts every time. these are boys that jump around, drink red wine and pop speed, buy vivienne westwood shirts, talk about sidney poitier, worship nostalgia, are additcted to heroin, rob their bandmates, and believe, truly believe, that art and love and music will save us all. pete doherty and carl barat, the libertines two vocalists, manage to work together and integrate their voices (not unlike the two vocalists of the blood brothers-i know, bad comparison) in a kind of modern-day lennon/mccartney way that makes you remember why people make music in the first place.

and i won't ever be lonely again...well ha ha ha

2003-12-23T07:30:13Z

and still i'm wondering about the role reversal-stepping aside and seeing myself with bitten lips and downcast eyes and for once being able to keep my dear mouth shut (well most of the time anyways). i've altered myself so many times, tailored my image and language and heart for whoever happens to be sitting next to me, that i don't know who i am anymore exactly.

and what am i talking about? i had a good day today, even yesterday. and what brought this on might be the simple reason that for once in my self-absorbed, conscientious, overtly public, and futile (but famous, in a way) existence i do not know what i want.

my name is wyndham bettencourt-mccarthy, and i have so much love to give.

i guess it should have been said afterall

2003-12-20T18:41:49Z

here's some excerpts from well, honesty (here's the original entry, more or less):

please don't think i've fixated on this for months, because i am better off now. but after hearing n'en parlons plus just one last time, you occasionally crossed my mind:

but i remember everything christopher-the words we spoke on freezing south street-(or to put it more simply i remember being in love with you)

i won't kiss the ground behind your back. you have a heart of gold and my favorite copy of leonard cohen poetry that i don't think you ever bothered to read.

you'll be eighteen soon.
you'll be a man soon.

hey hey it would be so easy to call you up, but you don't hang out with the high school crowd much anymore do you?
this is the last entry you'll get, since you got so many in the past.

it would be easy to say i missed you-but i don't really. i miss wanting you, then going home to smash bottles and watch glass and feel so perfectly pained. i don't have that anymore.

and now: we are silent chris we are separate. do you ever wonder what became of me (well of course you don't). it would be perfect to say i guess i was a mistake, but you never really took the chance in the first place. so i guess you are my big mistake, as our dear tim kasher would say. from the beginning, from fucking fourteen it felt so wrong.
i'm ready to leave that wrecking ball behind now; just don't excuse me as naive anymore.

what ever became of me

2003-12-20T05:40:41Z

(hey now: past tense of course: all my dreams came true when i was walking down the street with you. tom waits sang it once, and now it is yours. even though you don't deserve it really, you never did and it's always, always over)

i haven't been such a beauty queen since.
i haven't really wanted anything since.
we won't ever speak again, and i know it's better that way (of course it is).
well, happy birthday anyway.